mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
