I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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