So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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