I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
