I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
