News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
