So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize