Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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