I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
