True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
