im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i now understand why vodka
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
