I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
