Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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