so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
