Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
