I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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