I can text with my tongue
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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