Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize