I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
