Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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