there's paper in my vomit.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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