oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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