I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
