Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
