He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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