put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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