Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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