I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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