i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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