Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
bring money and cleavage
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
