Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
