I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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