Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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