You're completely useless in the revolution.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
