i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
