I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
