I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
