I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
