he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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