i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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