if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
