He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
