Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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