i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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