I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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