I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm always down for nudity.
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