It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
