it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Found your dick twin last night
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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