Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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