thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
