Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize