U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize