i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
