She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
