I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's shark week go big or go home
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
