Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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