He disabled his match.com account in front of me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
