new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
