I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
