You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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