Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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