So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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