Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
